MY Crazy World Today Revolves Around Assange,Killer,South Africa Policemen, Badluck Jonathan,Miguna and Zuckerbag.

Gloria’s Top news for the week.

THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF MUGUNA MIGUNA
He is back. Bigger and nastier than ever. He just dismissed Kenyans as ignorant people who speak without having the whole truth. He says Philip Ochieng is a joker who went planting children in North America and coming without a degree.
Is this guy brilliant or just plain arrogant?

JULIUS ASSANGE;

This guys life has become like a TV drama.
He pulled an Okoiti Omutata by running into the Ecuador embassy building in Britain to avoid arrest by the police and refusing to get out. That was in June, so basically, he has stayed inside the embassy building for 2 months.
on Thursday, the good Ecuadorians(bless their heart) decided to offer him political asylum after he was disowned by his own country.
Then the Britons decided to go the Migingo way by declaring that the embassy belonged to the Ecuadorians but they are in the British soil and if Assange dared get outside the building, they would arrest him. Furthermore, they have denied him safe passage out of Britain. This therefore means two things;

Assange can borrow Jason his invisible coat and wear it out of Britain.(Jason is a character in the greek myth Jason and the golden fleece; he had a coat that when he wore, he’d become invisible )
or
God forbid; Julius Assange will have to spend the rest of his life inside a building; this is technically house arrest.

TONY.

This is a sad sad tale . the 58 year old British was an active and fun loving person. However, he suffered a stroke that has left him paralysed completely. He can only communicate through flipping his eyelids. He is begging the government to allow doctors to drug him to death but the law doesn’t allow for that provision. He wants to die to end his misery and he cried so much when a court denied him this yesterday.
Is it not up to a man to determine his death day?

SOUTH AFRICAN BLOODY HANDED POLICE.

You just need to see this clip on BBC tv news to understand how repulsive it is.
A group of policemen queue up and just open fire to some unarmed mine workers on strike.
There are bodies strewn on the ground and the policemen are still holding their guns up.
What impudence!

BADLUCK JONATHAN:

Mr. Goodluck’s name is not bringing him any good luck. Remember during the World Cup a couple of years ago. His team didn’t win so he banned the football team for a while.
And he is at it again!
After spending 13 millions on world cup preparation, Nigeria won absolutely no medal.
So, the enraged Goodluck has ordered an overhaul of the sports sector after its worst performance in a long time.
Pole Jona, even we in Kenya are suffering the same fate.

FACEBOOK SHARES ARE FALLING:

Zuckerbag should be enjoying his honeymoon.but lo and behold, he is cracking his head.
Facebook prices have been falling low and low and as at yesterday, they had fallen by 40%since they began trading in May.
And you think marriage is supposed to be easy the first few months??

ZIMBABWEAN CONSTITUTION: KWANI ZIM NI KENYA.

Lots of wonders. The president and prime minister of Zim are discussing the draft constitution.
Some of the issues are:
Devolution and creation of county government.
Dual citizenship.
Reduced power of president.
For any Kenyans, the above points are all painfully familiar.
I await with baited breath to see if old Rhodesia will buy oranges and bananas or even have their parliamentarians naughtily trying to change some clauses; after all Zim ni karibu na Kenya.

Oh No! Not SCHOOL Holidays AGAIN!

By Gloria Mwaniga

So it’s here again. The season when they’ll start scuttling into the house with boots full of mud, tear stained cheeks and bleeding limbs. The four year old with his toothless grin; reminding you to mark the calendar so he doesn’t forget to report to school next term. The twelve year old busy reading for her class seven exams and the sixteen year old whose only wish is that you leave him alone so that he listens to music and texts friends.

The school holidays, just like household shopping, bring with it a well blended mixture of pleasure and pain to any mother. Seeing their sweet faces after a long term is a satisfying experience. Knowing that they are warmly tucked in bed as you leave to face cold mornings; fills your heart with joy.

The fair share of trouble comes in many different forms. It could be in the name of broken utensils(usually your best set of china falls victim always) , or frantic phone calls from your house help reporting that your four year old hit his face while playing and that you need to do something, to make the bleeding stops. It could even be the sleepless nights you spend waiting up for your teen; whom you had granted permission to go for a daytime party, to arrive. Or worse still, the daily fights and confrontations over TV time vs. study time, house chores and dressing

Whatever it is, everyone bearing the title mother will agree that school holidays are a balm that clears every mother’s sore eyes. So, no matter what, this august, every mom should mark her diary to do at least one of the following:

Spend a day with every child and listen to how school was for them. Enquire about their friends, best subjects and favorite teacher then just sit back, listen and laugh at the adventures. Don’t judge or give advice. That will be done later. Each of us loves letting others into our worlds, and who better than your own mother.

Let your child invite their friends over and make them a meal or a snack. This way you will get a free pass into your child’s social life. This will be especially important when conversing with the child as you will not use general assumptions like, don’t hang out with bad people. Instead, your child will listen to you as they know you have met their friends and even know them by name.

Take a day and discuss what you value as a family and where you are headed. You will come to the realization that even the child, who seems uninterested and participatory actually takes in some what you discuss, after all as someone said; at every a thousand hacks at the leaves of evil, there’s at least one fruit that is hit.

Don’t rush and enroll your child into a tuition class, discuss it with them and hear their point of view first. This way, your child will not assume that you are rushing to get them out of the way. They will also understand the importance of making decisions after consulting with you because you do the same.

Finally for Pete’s sake, make an effort to talk to or even just complement your child every day. Last year, I was speaking to a group of teens who told me they are just housemates with their parents and nothing more; you don’t want your child to say this, do you?

Why the 2012 Caine Prize Winning story Bombay Republic Painfully Reminds me of the Nyayo Regime and the villainous Nyayo house days in the Moi Regime.

By Gloria Mwaniga.

I first read this winning story on august 1st 2012. Even then, it did strike me as a typical African story. This was because of two reasons; first, I August 1st was the 30th anniversary for the Coup attempt on the Moi government of 1982 and secondly Kiss TV was running a rather interesting series on the Nyayo house torture victims and focusing on the chief torturer; one James Opiyo.

The coup attempt is what is believed to have transformed the then Kenyan president from a cool president following Jomo Kenyatta’s nyayo to a wild and ruthless dictator who sent people to the cold, dark and quite frightening chambers of the Nyayo house if they dared to show open defiance or even when they were deemed to have hidden agendas. The Torturer in chiefs’ story of retirement and unceremonious relocation back to his rural home of Rongo; together with most of the the Nyayo house victims’ rather un-heroic existence till today sort of blend in with the Bombay Republic Short story.

The story starts on a rather optimistic note with the author introducing us to one Sergeant Bombay a veteran who had come back from the world war. He comes back to his district that is ruled by a District Officer who is white. At that point, I had expected that having seen the world and with a thinking outside the box, Bombay would end up swaying loyalties’ from the mzungu to himself and hence become an undisputed war hero who led his people to the paradise called freedom. I even dared to think that the story would turn out like the infamous Nigerian Biafran war where Ojuka starts a revolution against the incumbent leaders and either wins or dies (Forget the running off to another country bit).

However, the writer Rotimi Babatunde slowly builds up this character in the traditional heroic fashion when he gets posted to a combat unit and later promoted to a sergeant; strangely enough, the war suddenly comes to an unwelcome end even before our new hero gets a chance to prove his art of war. However, the reader is kept optimistic as Bombay has been exposed to the world and we watch amidst baited breath, for him to show his Moses-like savior traits.

Back at his home town, the air is full of euphoria with the nationalists getting bolder and criticizing the colonial government as they gathered in the evenings for animated discussions zealously quoting Gandhi and Du Bois. Bombay, who was expected to be a part of this revolution, was busy elsewhere telling jinni stories to wide eyed children. The strange man then moves to an old jailhouse where he is immersed in a utopia of his own making in his newly independent state of Bomby.

In a rather un-heroic ending of the story, Bombay is considered a sleeping dog that should be let to lie by his DC. The humor filled and unpredictable plot give this story quite an unexpected twist even as this man; who refused to pay hut tax because he lives in a stone house and not a hut; is described by one local columnist as Colour Sergeant Bombay, war hero and perpetual president who was loved by all the citizens of his Peoples Republic of Bombay.

The story leaves one with a sort of emptiness that is all too familiar in Kenya.
Having happily gotten our uhuru, we looked forward to the promise that the new learned wananchi would bring on the table.
These expectations were later to be shrouded as Kenyans watched incredibly as the same leaders assassinated each other, stole country resources and punished those who dared speak out.

Like Bombay, they speedily forgot the real reason they had an upper hand was to pull others out of the darkness but instead, the leaders engage in self-satisfying, get-rich quick corruption deals in a country where most leaders still hope to stay in office until death finally unseats them.

This they do as they brand themselves vijana and hopelessly try to tweet their way into the real vijana’s hearts.

New Trends# : How to Wear Male Shorts to a Kenyan Office on a Casual Friday.

Gloria Mwaniga.

They have finally arrived, after all this is twenty twelve.
They are known as smart shorts and soon you will see most of the fashion-conscious males in your office wearing them.
After wearing jeans and t-shirts faithfully ever since the introduction of the casual wear on Fridays, the Kenyan man will soon be rocking a new look.

Smart shorts are the new ‘official’ shorts being worn to the office these days.

Ground rules: please remember;

1. Choose the right pair. Think of them as a shorter version of a suit trouser. Solid color, dark and decent .
2. Keep it simple.
3. Wear with a polo shirt, a navy blazer or any other decent top.
4. Pick a simple and right shoe for it.

What of if you have Thin chicken legs?
Don’t worry. You too can wear the short.

Just remember to:
1. Downplay the shorts.
This means avoid wearing it with something that will emphasize your leg size e.g loose t-shirts and big hoods, this will only emphasize your thin legs.
2. Choose shorts that fit your size. this will ensure a balance
3. Wear light colored shorts
4. Go for longer shorts; just below the knee. So that you just show a little leg.

There’s nothing as eye catching as a guy wearing the right pair of shorts in a dull office on a Friday. So, go ahead. Be the trendsetter there. Please note that this shorts don’t have to be worn with sandals and a strap bag. Just add
In a little personal style and creativity.

After all, you don’t really have to have Thierry Henry’s well muscled leg to pull this off.

Book Review: Men of The South by Zukiswa Wanner

By Gloria Mwaniga

TITLE: Men of the South.

AUTHOR: Zukiswa Wanner

PUBLISHER: Kwela Books, South Africa.

The African dream, just like the American dream, is a slippery, mirage-sort-of-affair even in this time and age. From underemployment and joblessness to homosexuality and immigration in search of better opportunities, the modern African man is faced with enough challenges. That is without adding the educated post-Beijing modern woman’s high expectation levied on him.

To bring out these modern day issues in a light and funny way that is relatable requires a writing style which is unique to only but a few African writers and after reading this book;you can judge for yourself if Zukiswa Warner is one of them.

Zukiswa (the queen of black chic lit), takes us into the private worlds of three men of the south and an educated woman.

First, we meet Mfundo,a struggling jazz musician in love with an uptown educated working gal. The girl, admits that she fell in love with the man’s potential but she is now taunting him to get a real job

Then there is Mzilikazi. A successful 100% gay NGO executive desperately trying to hide his sexual orientation from own children.

We also meet Tinaye, a Zimbabwean immigrant who is an Oxford graduate and would do anything to get South Africa Citizenship. His plans turn upside down when he falls from grace as the love of his life,finds out about his past with a certain lady called Grace.

Will Mfundo ever make it as a big-time musician or should he give up the dream and get a real job like Sli keeps telling him? What about Mzilikazi’s children,Can they live with having a gay dad?
And will Tinaye’s south African citizendship dream ever come to be?

You will definitely get the answers in this urbane, fast paced page turner by one of the most promising modern African writers.

The book tackles real-life challenges faced not only by Men of the South, but by the modern African man in a humorous, witty and hilarious style.

The 215 page turner is easy to follow and has a captivating plot written from the male point of view.

Zukiswa Warner was born in Zambia to a South African father and a Zimbabwean mother.She studied journalism at Hawaii Pacific University in Honolulu.

Her debut novel, The Madams, published in November 2006, dealt with racial role reversals in post-apartheid South Africa.

Her second book,Behind Every Successful Man is a witty tale of a mother turned entrepreneur – to the horror of her BEE tycoon husband.

Men of the South is her third novel and was shortlisted for the 2011 Commonwealth Writers’ Prize Award.